Well… I didn’t post last week. Sorry everyone.
The past week and a half, I have learned that life is often about living in between two completely opposing emotions, and that this is okay.
I have an intense desire to be a mother. It’s funny, because I used to swear I would never have kids. But as I’ve gotten older, I look back and realize that I have always had a mother’s heart. I didn’t always know how to handle “mothering” emotions in positive ways and often confused them for something else, but now I know that God has put within me His nurturing Spirit.
I’m learning to strike a healthy balance when it comes to unmet desires in my life. In the past I would either take things into my own hands and completely screw everything up, or would shut down my wants and needs so I couldn’t be disappointed. Now I am learning that desire is something God puts within us, especially desire for relationship. The mess comes in when we try to fulfill our desires apart from His direction, or try to protect ourselves from pain by convincing ourselves it’s better to shut down the desire.
Now I see that I can actively have an aching need to be a mother, but can also be content while waiting for it to happen in God’s timing. It’s perfectly fine for me to openly weep when I have a negative pregnancy test. It’s expected that I will feel a painful longing when I hear that another friend is pregnant or adopting. But I can also know that God has things for me to enjoy, important lessons for me to learn, exciting things for me to do in the here and now that I would not be able to experience under any other circumstances. He has a purpose for me and if I will wait on Him, everything will be better than I can imagine.
It’s interesting how much of life is paradoxical. I think this is the beauty of living in the in-between times of life… the beauty of the tension of balance.
Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master, As the eyes of a maid to the hand of her mistress, So our eyes look to the LORD our God, Until He is gracious to us. (Psalm 123:2, NASB)
You have caused her heart’s desire and have not withheld the request of her lips. (Psalm 21:2)
“But tension is to be loved, when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord.” (Sixpence None the Richer)